marius-pont-de-bercy:

mckillington:

i-zelyonii-popugai:

mustbekarma:

agentbartowski:

can you use the term, “i shit you not” in an english essay or is that unprofessional?

nonononono, never use “I” statements in formal essays.

One shits you not

Also acceptable: This author shits you not

It’s best to avoid the “general you.”
“One would not be considered shitted,” is probably the best way I could think to word it formally. 

“The reader may be assured that it is entirely removed from the intention of the humble author- unwillingly obliged to refer to himself at this juncture- to shit him.”

– Victor Hugo, probably